How do I say 'no' at work to people, without looking bad?

[Diana]

Hi all

A question that I would welcome thoughts from others and Emily on.

At work I am often called upon to help and I like to help others as part of my personality and values. However, I know how important a work-life balance is to my health and well being and to ensure that I have time and energy to do other things in my life. How do reduce the amount of help I give others without compromising my values?

Any ideas?

Thanks ever so

Diana

[saharris]

Hi Diana
Perhaps you're called upon as much as you are... because you've taught people that you don't have many boundaries around the word "NO". Is it possible that people know that you'll put their needs ahead of your own? Is love, approval and appreciation of others more important than your love, approval and appreciation of yourself? If you're neglecting yourself aren't you compromising your values? If you truly recognize the value of ensuring your life's balance... allow your actions to demonstrate it. Your actions will teach others how to love, approve, and appreciate themselves! What's the worst that can happen if you put yourself on your priority list? :O). Hope that helps! Warmly, Sandra

[emily]

Hi Diana

Some great perspectives and wisdom here from Sandi, whose experience and knowledge I value greatly. Thanks Sandi for adding your valuable comments.

Diana, in addition to our conversation, I hope this adds further food for thought.

To summarise some of the salient, general points we discussed for other forum guests, ( agreed to by Diana) these were as follows:

- Can you possibly be the best you can be if you are conficting with your personal values by not devoting time to yourself?
- The analogy of being on an aeroplane and using an oxygen mask is a good one to note, the stewards always advise putting on one's own oxygen mask before attempting to help others. How can you help others in a sustainable way, if you don't look after yourself first. When the balance of your time invested for you versus time of invested in others is out of kilter you can run the risk of using up all the energy by not replenishing your energy by investing time in "you activities"
- Similar to the point made by Sandi also, we looked at the positive example you are able to set others by respecting and valuing yourself by not always taking everything asked of you on, you are able to provide an example to others of how to do this also. Also, you are able to associate positive feelings and thoughts with doing things for others as you will do these things from a basis of balance; rather than the feelings of frustration that you currently experience when you have no time for yourself.

- A practical tip is to take an example of a typical week looking holistically at where you put your time ( so work and home) be honest with yourself and work out where your time goes - what is the percentage spent between you and others? Then start to work out how you would like it to be spent. Look at 3 small steps you can take in the following week to start to readdress the balance. Make them small and achieveable so that you can gently start yourself on a pathway to achieving the balance.

Best of luck Diana, I and other forum members look forward to hearing how you get on.

Regards

Emily

[Diana]

Hi Emily & Sandra,

Thank you both ever so much for the replies and help. I have been able to start to look at this area of my life differently as a result. I thought that by putting others first all the time that I was being a better person. However, I see that I was not enabling myself to become a contented, happy person as I had nothing left for myself. I have more work to do in this area, but feel like I am starting to be able to see things in a different light. I like the expression "What's the worst that can happen?" This made me think.

I am also becoming a little more aware of where I spend my time now so that I can start to re-adjust the balance if I slip too far.

thanks ever so for your support

Diana

[michael white]

Hi diana.
loved your posting about work life ballance. My name is Mike I spent 22
years of my life caring for everybody else first and myself last.A life
changing event happened in March of this year. I ended up in hospital
losing half of my blood. Very seriously ill and amazed the doctors I am
alive.It used to be my work was my life doing everything for everybody else.
Three years ago we bought a mobile home and thought that the family
would all be together there. No it didnt work out that way. I was told if I
took one day off then I would lose my job. It happened. I was working seven
days a week looking after all of my clients. 12 hour shifts every day.Then
when I became ill I still had clients phoning me up and saying could you
just do this for me.No was my answer even though I was ill my company
had got rid of me not a thing I could do/ Even though I have achieved
the hightest success rate for all clients ever heard of on government reports.
Unless you decide exactly what you want out of your life and design the
exact life that you want. You will pay the price. Three years ago my life
was all I wanted to do was help people.I did with amazing results
to the detriment of myself and famuly.Now throught life coaching. We
have turned this entire situation around and now run a successful
holiday retreat in our mobile homes. Have just bought a guest house.
now taking my accreditation in life coaching certification,.Still being able
to help people achieve there goals and living the life that we have all
wanted to live.
Mike

[virtuallysorted]

[quote="Diana"]How do reduce the amount of help I give others without compromising my values?[/quote]

Hi Diana,

I'm a virtual assistant and have over 15 years experience of being a busy PA so I'm used to juggling deadlines and priorities.

One of the best things to put in the front of your mind when someone asks you to do something, is they will be more dissapointed if you say you can do it and then don't, rather than just saying no straight away. So by saying no you are actually doing them a favour.

My other top tips would be to explain you are busy now, could you speak about it tomorrow? Or to explain what you are doing, and ask if it's more important to do their task now. Both of these put the onus back on them to reassess their request.

Hope this helps!
Caroline